Many times in life you come across situations where your temper just flares up. It could be triggered due to a person or a situation. It is so intense that you can feel your blood pumping through your body. If this is familiar to you, then as you rightly guessed, we are talking about anger.
Anger can be a healthy emotion if addressed correctly, else it can be destructive.
Most times we witness the negative or the destructive side of anger. See if you experience any of these:
- Do you getting angry about little things or minute changes?
- Does waiting irritate you?
- Do you struggle to communicate during an argument and go into your shell without talking to anyone later?
- Do you scream during an argument?
- Do you think you need to raise your voice to put your point across?
- Do you break down and cry when you’re angry?
- Have you thrown things or destroyed valuables?
- Have you hit your loved ones or friends in anger?
- Are you short tempered?
If you have experienced multiple things among these, then yes, you do struggle with anger.
Anger is experienced by all. There is no one who doesn’t get angry. The challenge is, it is hushed up, not an openly dealt with emotion because the general viewpoint is that it is bad to get angry. Whereas it is not.. Surprised? Read on!!
The trouble is the outcome of the emotion which is destructive. You are angry because something really bothered you. Researchers say that it is normal to get angry two-three times a week. It becomes a point of concern when the duration is prolonged and frequent. Unhealthy behaviors such as giving snappy responses, temper flaring up every now and then, people have to think twice before holding a conversation with you. Children hiding in fear are all some of the commonly seen matters that need to be addressed.
Another most commonly noticed pattern is the beautiful “sarcastic humor or sarcasm”. Sarcasm disguises itself as intelligent humor. Sarcasm is putting out frustration or snubbing in a funny way. Why would anyone do that? This is specifically for people who use sarcasm to hit back on a regular basis. Politics or the media puts out posters sarcastically taking a dig at the current issues. These posters are meant to highlight the frustration of the people with regards to a particular issue faced by them through the use of humor.
Now imagine using sarcasm in relationships. Isn’t that a cause of worry? Anger and frustration leads to sarcastic humor.
Unmasking Anger
Suppose you see a cake looking deliciously covered in whipped cream. But you do not know what flavour the cake is or the texture. Only when you scoop out the cream, will you discover what it is made of, the texture, the fragrance.. everything. Similar is the case with anger. Only when you address the issue, will you know what made you angry and why did you react the way you did. Oftentimes anger is just an outward expression of the mess that is going on in the heart. Since anger is considered bad, the real issue beneath the outburst goes unnoticed therefore unaddressed.
The real reason behind anger is fear, loss, disappointment, sadness and hurt. These emotions create feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness. A state of total helplessness which is very uncomfortable. You can’t express helplessness and be vulnerable out in the open. You stand a risk of being judged or misinterpreted always.
On the flip side, being angry or reacting in anger gives you a sense of power, you may feel that you have established a sense of control over a messed up situation.
If you are someone who likes to be in control of things chances are you might be short tempered. On the outside it may look like you are being cautious so that everything is handled well but as we unlayer our self, we’ll realize that it’s the fear of losing control, the fear of being judged by people, the strong need to please everyone around which manifests as short temperedness.
Children who’ve grown up in a chaotic, critical environment grow up to be adults who are full of anger and mistrust. Researchers also call them “people with zero tolerance to frustration”. Expressing emotions probably is the most terrifying thing a person who’s grown up in such an environment could think off. Because every time he/she has tried expressing something, they have been met with either denial, resentment, dismissal or worse they might have been made fun of. Such incidents make a lasting impression in a person’s mind. They grow up to think emotions are to be suppressed or denied. They are not to be shown. Whereas anger or being angry gives them power. Addressing the need of being loved, being cared for, the need to be heard and accepted with these vulnerable emotions flying to and fro in your mind can lead to a major breakthrough in handling anger.
Being overly pampered deprives a child from making age wise choices/decisions. Or we also have cases where a child or a person is deeply burdened to fulfill parental wishes. Leaving them with no option to fulfill their own. We live in a society where unfulfilled dreams are passed on and forced upon the next generation. Leaving them with no option or support to follow their own. In cases like this, the affected person often gets angry at his/her intimate family members or children to cover up their own disappointment or hurt in life. Screaming, throwing things are all byproducts of a need which has gone unmet.
Shutting down emotionally is also a form of anger. You don’t want to deal with the opinions and criticisms of people or toxic family members. You might as well stay quiet and concentrate on your work. Living alone to avoid people, being confined to your own room are all self discovered coping mechanisms to avoid conflict. Solitude is different from purposely being alone.
This is just a snippet of how anger plays out.
Taming anger
Take some time out. Instead of acting upon anger. Take deliberate measures to calm down, consult a counselor who can guide you with proper relaxation techniques. You can also try breathing exercises or counting back and forth. There can be constructive ways of handling anger like channelizing the rush in the body into doing some physical work like housework, gardening, playing an instrument, playing with a pet etc.
Address your emotion. Anger as I mentioned is a secondary emotion. Therefore sit and consciously find out what led you to be angry? What situation upsets you? What need are you trying to meet? Address that specific event and then dig deep. For eg if you’re the one doing all the work while others in the family chill out. Address the situation, figure out what is this incident making you feel?
Take a break. Do anything that gives you peace in your mind so that you calm down. Be sensitive to the sensations in your body. Give yourself time on a regular basis. When you do this, you take your mind out of the mundane routine to only focus on the problems, instead now your mind will focus on options and solutions.
Vocalize your anger. This doesn’t mean screaming. This means to assertively state what bothered you. If it’s a person, behaviour or situation, address it. Create and respect boundaries. Cut off from a person or situations if it is constantly causing you trouble.
Consult a trained counselor. Like I mentioned anger has underlying issues that have to be dealt with in a safe,genuine and a non judgemental environment. Wherein you can deal with upsetting emotions in a healthy way without the fear of being criticized. Once you know the problem, a counsellor can help you find authentic solutions through therapies tailor made for you. Together you can figure what works best to help overcome anger.
One deliberate decision to break the chain can lead to an everlasting positive change.